Restlessly Eager.

Good things take time.

But I am so restless.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a patient person. I can be polite while I wait in line at Starbucks, and I even am kind enough to let other cars cut in front of me on the highway. But when it comes to big things, the important things, I am completely impatient. 

One of the definitions for the word 'impatient' is restlessly eager. That's me. 

When good things start to happen, I jump at the opportunities without thinking things through, without taking time to process, without taking time to pray. I want to rush through the formalities and the small talk. 

I want to say, "Move over and let me try!" before I have the proper training. I want to say, "Won't you just kiss me already?" before the first date. I want to say, "I'm ready!" when I am no where close to the starting line.

Because I feel ready to take on the world. And I don't understand why I have to wait for degrees, for appointments, for interviews. Why can't I just have it now? 

I am restlessly eager.

I give the best advice. I tell all of my friends, "Don't worry. If it's meant to be, it'll happen." It's pretty easy to give advice, isn't it? It's 10 times harder to live by it.

Who cares if it's meant to be? If I give a little push, if I give a little shove, if I hint enough, if I beg enough, maybe it'll happen. Maybe I can make it happen. If I try my best and if I pray hard enough, maybe the cute boy upstairs will suddenly fall in love with me or job opportunities will swing wide open. But as much as I beg and plead, this isn't the way it works.

It's funny, and actually kind of sad, because it's taken me 20 years to figure out that rushing these good things actually just turn them sour. 

You see, I've done this before. I see something great and I run for it. I don't take the time to see if it's just a phase, to see if it's truly what's best for me, to see if it's what God wants for me. I just jump at it. If it's a good thing, shouldn't I have it? Shouldn't I pursue it?

And yes, there will be times that I do need to pursue love or pursue adventures. But sometimes - no, all the time - rushing it does more harm than good. That's something I've learned from countless broken hearts and too many crushed dreams. 

You can't rush a baby to be born and then be mad when she comes out with underdeveloped lungs or a heart that can't beat on it's own. 

Usually, the most beautiful things take time and effort and patience and kindness and gentleness and compassion. You can't rush it.

It hurts. Because I want it now. I want a good life now. I want love now. I want adventure now. I want everything now. I want to fast forward through all the pain and the nurturing and the effort it takes to make something beautiful and just get the results.

But after so, so long of rushing and ruining what could have been beautiful, I've decided to wait. To let things play out.

Because if it's meant to be, it'll happen.