Soul Searching and Spring Cleaning

Today is the first day of spring. Everyone is wearing dresses and posting hopeful pictures of flowers. I, on the other hand, rolled out of bed 15 minutes before work, put on a baggy sweater, and blared Mumford (mostly Little Lion Man) on repeat just to match my mood.

Now I know that I could have done yoga or read the Bible or done something to make myself feel better. But sometimes it's okay to be sad, especially when you have a good reason. And I have a very good reason.

I am doing the most painful thing a person can ever do. I'm soul searching. I'm discovering myself. I am finding the ugly parts of me, trying to figure out when, how, and why these things turned dark, and  then the hardest part - trying to turn them beautiful again.

It's hard enough even discovering the ugly things. I find myself saying, "I never even knew these things were here!" Almost like finding the fast food leftovers that have been smelling up the whole car. But unlike finding the rotting fries, I can't just reach under the seat, say, "How long have you been in there?" and throw the problem away. I actually have to deal with it.

Have you ever tried to fix something you didn't even know was broken? Or try to find something when you don't even know what it is that is missing? I guess that's why it's called self discovery. Discovering the unknown parts of me, the person who I used to think I knew all about.

Only when I decided to start soul searching, I thought I'd find all sorts of buried treasure. I wanted to uncover new talents or amazing characteristics that would open up doors to all sorts of opportunities and remake me into a better, smarter, kinder person. But so far, all I've discovered are negative habits that started years ago and hidden secrets that I am no where close to uncovering.

People love spring because when the snow finally melts, we find a million new mysteries. Baby animals and green grass. And the sun always seems just a little brighter. Maybe with spring will come my beauty, too. Kind of like a spring cleaning of myself. If only it was as easy as sweeping up dust bunnies and shaking out the curtains.

It's more like someone ripping open your chest, exposing the parts of your heart that you didn't even know existed and you didn't even know hurt until the cold air blew on them; and someone yelling, "Look! Look what's inside of you! Look at what you've done! Look at who you are! Do you want to change? Do you?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

And then comes the scalpel and the chisel, trying desperately to straighten out all the twists and turns of a hurting soul.

Let the spring bring pain, change, and beauty.