Why I Travel

This will be my last blogpost for a while. For about three months, to be exact.

You see, I have a busy summer planned. I'll be visiting the Midwest, hiking the Himalayas, spending time in Bangladesh, and working at an orphanage in Haiti. Leading right up to my senior year of college. 

Why?

Why is a twenty year old girl quitting her jobs, leaving her friends, and emptying her savings account?

Everyone is different. The reasons I am traveling could be completely different than the reasons of the man sitting next to me on the plane. But this is why I travel. 

At first, I wanted to travel for a simple reason - We don't know when we will die so I want to get as much out of life as I can. I want to experience everything, take pictures, try new things, die happy. Sounds like a good life, right?

In fact, this was my mentality until about three weeks ago. But now my reasons have changed.

Yes, life is short and we don't know when we will die. But rather than trying to get the most out of life, I want to put the most into life. 

When I die, let's be honest, no one will remember me after a few years. All of my memories will die with me. All of my trying new things and checking things off my bucket list, while is fun and an important part of life, will not mean anything to anybody but me. And all of the pictures I take, no matter how artsy, will be forgotten or lost or ruined.

Now I travel to enjoy nature. To meet people and make them feel important. To breathe in new air. To hold orphans and tell them that I love them. To learn from other cultures. To grow. To change. To become the best person that I can be. To teach others. 

Maybe somehow, someday, I can change the world. Or a little piece of it. Maybe I can help a sexually trafficked girl feel like she is worth more than how much money she makes in one night. Maybe I can encourage an orphan to trust again. Maybe I can be a good example of love. 

And of course, while I do all of that, I'll be checking things off my bucket list and having the time of my life. But that's not the goal anymore. That's just an added bonus.

So that's what I'll be doing this summer. I'll be living it up and pouring out love all at the same time.

I cannot wait to journal my stories and eventually share them with you all. For anyone who remembers, thank you in advance for praying for me. I know I'll need it.

I leave in three days. I'm ready to travel the world. 

To Fly, To Be Free

For a long time, I was sad because of things that happened to me. I was discouraged because of things in my past, things that I never told anyone, things that no one would guess happened to me.

"Jessica is the quiet, innocent one," people will say. But that only makes me even more sad. If they only knew.

I found a poem a couple weeks ago that I became obsessed with.

to fly

right through the walls

to fly

right out the window

to any place but here

- Charles Bukowski 

I liked this poem so much that I made a painting inspired by it. The painting was of birds. I imagined myself as one of them, flying away, running away, forgetting everything. 

Everything that happened to me was terrible. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. When I think about it all, I feel so overwhelmed. How can so many bad things happen to one little girl? I get angry and sad and so tired. I want to fly away, run away.

I know that running away wouldn't help anything. The memories are still there. The effects of my past are still there. The scars are still there. But just the idea of flying sounds so wonderful. To fly. To be free.

I don't feel free at all. My past haunts me. My mistakes haunt me. Things that were never even my fault haunt me. It's like I'm standing here, trying to live my life, but a big gray cloud has surrounded me and is slowly turning into steel bars. I'm caged in. 

I was at an open mic night tonight. One of my friends sang the old song His Eye is On the Sparrow. There is one part of the song that she sang so beautifully that I nearly cried. It inspired everything that I am writing about; God revealed so much to me through just two little lines of the song. "I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free." 

Here's the thing. I am free. Everything that happened before, it hurt and it was terrible and it left the ugliest scars. But I'm out of that situation. I'm out of the abuse and the fighting and oppression and the lies. I am free. 

I feel haunted because I think about it. I entertain thoughts. I lie in my bed and wonder how life could have been different. I cry over wasted years. That big gray cloud that is hindering my vision and that huge cage that is holding me back - they are not real. They feel real; they feel so heavy. But they're not real. There is nothing holding me back. I am out of that situation. I am free.

I'm still sad and mad and frustrated about the things that happened to me. And my scars are still just as ugly. But they have no control of me anymore. I am not caged in by them. My past is not a part of my life anymore. I have grown up and moved on.

That painting, the one that was originally inspired by Charles Bukowski's sad, hopeful poem, has now taken on a whole new meaning. I still imagine myself as one of those birds. But instead of flying away, I am singing and flying and dancing and living because I am free. I am soaring through the air. I am flying toward the sun. I am happy. 

So let me sing and let me fly and let me dance and let me live. I am free. 

(Photo: original artwork inspired by Charles Bukowski's poem)

Becoming Brave

I have a great plan for my life. It's exciting and adventurous and wild. I want to backpack Europe and then live in the rainforest and then hike the Himalayas and then roadtrip through Mexico in an old jeep. My plan is perfect.

But what if my plan isn't God's plan?

Everyone quotes Jeremiah 29:11. I don't doubt that God has a plan for my life, but what if God's plan is for me to be a stay-at-home mother in Pennsylvania? That wouldn't be a bad life and plenty of women daydream about doing just that, but for me, I can't imagine ever settling down in one place. I'd rather be homeless on the streets of France in the middle of my backpacking adventure.

The last couple months have been really tough as I struggled with this. How am I supposed to know that God's will is truly better than mine?

I had to write a paper this semester on the book of Romans. I chose the passage of Romans 8:1-13 because it was some really nice Scripture and it seemed like I could get it done fairly easily. But as I read it, I was hit with conviction.

The whole passage is about the difference between a person who lives according to the flesh and one who lives according to the Spirit.

If a person lives according to the flesh, he is controlled by his own desires. While this sounds terrible, like a desire to cheat or a desire to murder, in my case, it was simply my own future desires that were controlling me. I wasn't trusting God and was instead focusing on what I wanted in life. I was pursuing what would make me happy, what would make me comfortable.

Now, I don't want to run away to Europe just to make memories. I would want to befriend people and share the love of God. I'd want to help out in anyway possible. Isn't that a worthy cause? Isn't that acceptable? Isn't that a fair reason to choose my plan over God's?

Verse 8 says simply, "Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God."

Even though I have good intentions, I can never please God if I am purposely choosing my way over His. And this was the biggest slap in the face.

I want to please God. I want my life to mean something. When I get to heaven, I want God to be proud of me and for my bravery of letting God take control of my life.

Because that's what it is. It's bravery. To let go of control takes a lot of guts. For the last couple of months, I've been too scared that my life wouldn't be great if God was in control of it. This is where faith comes in. This is the difference between living by the flesh and living by the Spirit.

If I lived by the flesh, I could do whatever I wanted whenever I want to. But to live by the Spirit means to be willing to do whatever the Spirit wants whenever the Spirit wants.

While I studied the passage, the last verse (Romans 8:13) says to put to death the deeds of the flesh, of your sinful nature, of your own desires. When Paul wrote this, he wrote it in the present tense. This means that we must constantly, daily put to death our own fleshly desires and give control back to God.

And that means maybe I won't get to ride a motorcycle across Ireland or work in an orphanage in Thailand. But I know that God gave me an adventurous spirit, and I don't think He would let that go to waste. So I'm trusting in Him that He'll send me somewhere, anywhere. I just have to have the faith that wherever He leads me will be better than my own plans.

Because let's face it - doing it myself hasn't worked out so well lately.

It's time to have faith and live by the Spirit. It's time to see where God takes me. It's time to live out the amazing plan that God has for me. It's time to be brave.


Photo credit to Natalie Hagen photography. 

Dear Future Husband: I Pray You'll Have a Bad Day

Dear Future Husband,

I don't know who you are. I may not have even met you yet. But I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I pray for you. I used to pray the same thing every day. "God, please bless him and keep him safe and give him a good day. Amen."

And I do hope that God blesses you and keeps you safe and gives you good days. But recently I've been praying for something different, something more.

I pray you'll have a bad day. 

I pray you'll be stressed, but learn how to work under pressure. I pray that you'll lose the friends who are discouraging you. I pray that you'll have to wait in line to stretch your patience. I pray that you feel weak, so that you'll never be proud. I pray that you make mistakes but then you figure out how to laugh them off, even when you feel terribly foolish.

I pray that the storms are hard so that you appreciate the sun. I pray that the hurts you go through are just growing pains as you become the wonderful man you're meant to be. I pray that you realize that life is worth it, even on the worst days. I pray that you have to face your biggest fears, and I pray that you win.

And someday, when we meet, you can tell me all of your stories about when you failed, when you fell, when you stood back up, when you tried again, when you scored the goal, when you passed the test.

You have a great life ahead of you, and I can't wait to be part of it. 

Love, 

Jessica

Restlessly Eager.

Good things take time.

But I am so restless.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a patient person. I can be polite while I wait in line at Starbucks, and I even am kind enough to let other cars cut in front of me on the highway. But when it comes to big things, the important things, I am completely impatient. 

One of the definitions for the word 'impatient' is restlessly eager. That's me. 

When good things start to happen, I jump at the opportunities without thinking things through, without taking time to process, without taking time to pray. I want to rush through the formalities and the small talk. 

I want to say, "Move over and let me try!" before I have the proper training. I want to say, "Won't you just kiss me already?" before the first date. I want to say, "I'm ready!" when I am no where close to the starting line.

Because I feel ready to take on the world. And I don't understand why I have to wait for degrees, for appointments, for interviews. Why can't I just have it now? 

I am restlessly eager.

I give the best advice. I tell all of my friends, "Don't worry. If it's meant to be, it'll happen." It's pretty easy to give advice, isn't it? It's 10 times harder to live by it.

Who cares if it's meant to be? If I give a little push, if I give a little shove, if I hint enough, if I beg enough, maybe it'll happen. Maybe I can make it happen. If I try my best and if I pray hard enough, maybe the cute boy upstairs will suddenly fall in love with me or job opportunities will swing wide open. But as much as I beg and plead, this isn't the way it works.

It's funny, and actually kind of sad, because it's taken me 20 years to figure out that rushing these good things actually just turn them sour. 

You see, I've done this before. I see something great and I run for it. I don't take the time to see if it's just a phase, to see if it's truly what's best for me, to see if it's what God wants for me. I just jump at it. If it's a good thing, shouldn't I have it? Shouldn't I pursue it?

And yes, there will be times that I do need to pursue love or pursue adventures. But sometimes - no, all the time - rushing it does more harm than good. That's something I've learned from countless broken hearts and too many crushed dreams. 

You can't rush a baby to be born and then be mad when she comes out with underdeveloped lungs or a heart that can't beat on it's own. 

Usually, the most beautiful things take time and effort and patience and kindness and gentleness and compassion. You can't rush it.

It hurts. Because I want it now. I want a good life now. I want love now. I want adventure now. I want everything now. I want to fast forward through all the pain and the nurturing and the effort it takes to make something beautiful and just get the results.

But after so, so long of rushing and ruining what could have been beautiful, I've decided to wait. To let things play out.

Because if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

Dream Well, Live Well

"We are here to laugh at the odds 

and live so well 

that death trembles to take us."

- Charles Bukowski

I was looking at my bucket list today, adding to it. I'm always adding to it. And I realized that I am a dreamer. I don't think there's a realistic bone in my body. I dream and dream and dream.

I want to write a book. I want to publish a novel. A best-seller. It would be fiction because that's all I like to write. I like pretending to be different people in different places at different times. I like imagining adventures. I like falling in love with my characters. I'll be a modern-day Jane Austen. I'll be bigger than John Greene.

I want to backpack across Europe. I want to explore Ireland, experience the cultures of England, hike through France, befriend people in Austria. If I were ever to run away, look for me in Europe. I'll be sitting at a cafe, writing my book.

I want to ride on the back of a motorcycle. I want to go skydiving. I want to go white water rafting. I want to go rock climbing. I want to have so many adrenaline rushes that my heart never slows down.

I want to learn everything. I want to learn how to make pottery. I want to learn to speak French fluently. I want to learn how to knit. I want to learn how to make the perfect green smoothie. I want to learn how to sew without breaking the sewing machine (sorry, Mom). I want to learn how to become a really great photographer. 

I want to get married. To some, this is a realistic goal. To me, this is a dream. I truly believe in soul mates. And my soul is crazy. So it's hard for me to believe that there is another soul as crazy and wild as mine.

I know that most of my dreams are pretty far out there. I doubt I'll ever have the resources needed to publish a book. And I don't have thousands of dollars and months to spend hiking my way through Mount Blanc. And I may never have the opportunity to go white water rafting. And I'll never have enough time to master a million new hobbies. And who knows if my soul will ever find a match?

So what will happen if my dreams never come true? 

I'll cry. I'll grieve the memories that I'll never have and the knowledge that I'll never learn. I'll miss the places I've never been to and the people I'll never meet. 

But what if, against all odds, my dreams do come true?

What if my novel gets published and future writers are inspired by it? What if people from all around the world travel to art museums just to see the Jessica Lee collection? What if my Instagram is filled with pictures of me skydiving or rappelling down a mountain? What if I spend a year of my life, traveling through Europe and learning how to make the perfect cup of coffee? What if I meet a man who is willing to keep up with my wild soul?

I would rather have dreams that never come true, than never dream at all.

I want to live well. And you can't live well, unless you dream well.

Soul Searching and Spring Cleaning

Today is the first day of spring. Everyone is wearing dresses and posting hopeful pictures of flowers. I, on the other hand, rolled out of bed 15 minutes before work, put on a baggy sweater, and blared Mumford (mostly Little Lion Man) on repeat just to match my mood.

Now I know that I could have done yoga or read the Bible or done something to make myself feel better. But sometimes it's okay to be sad, especially when you have a good reason. And I have a very good reason.

I am doing the most painful thing a person can ever do. I'm soul searching. I'm discovering myself. I am finding the ugly parts of me, trying to figure out when, how, and why these things turned dark, and  then the hardest part - trying to turn them beautiful again.

It's hard enough even discovering the ugly things. I find myself saying, "I never even knew these things were here!" Almost like finding the fast food leftovers that have been smelling up the whole car. But unlike finding the rotting fries, I can't just reach under the seat, say, "How long have you been in there?" and throw the problem away. I actually have to deal with it.

Have you ever tried to fix something you didn't even know was broken? Or try to find something when you don't even know what it is that is missing? I guess that's why it's called self discovery. Discovering the unknown parts of me, the person who I used to think I knew all about.

Only when I decided to start soul searching, I thought I'd find all sorts of buried treasure. I wanted to uncover new talents or amazing characteristics that would open up doors to all sorts of opportunities and remake me into a better, smarter, kinder person. But so far, all I've discovered are negative habits that started years ago and hidden secrets that I am no where close to uncovering.

People love spring because when the snow finally melts, we find a million new mysteries. Baby animals and green grass. And the sun always seems just a little brighter. Maybe with spring will come my beauty, too. Kind of like a spring cleaning of myself. If only it was as easy as sweeping up dust bunnies and shaking out the curtains.

It's more like someone ripping open your chest, exposing the parts of your heart that you didn't even know existed and you didn't even know hurt until the cold air blew on them; and someone yelling, "Look! Look what's inside of you! Look at what you've done! Look at who you are! Do you want to change? Do you?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

And then comes the scalpel and the chisel, trying desperately to straighten out all the twists and turns of a hurting soul.

Let the spring bring pain, change, and beauty.